The Christmas letter

So today I was reading one of my cousins blogs and she had put a post up of one of her most favorite Christmas's and it made me start to think and reflect about all my Christmas pasts. I grew up in a home where Christmas was absolutely magical my parents loved Christmas, they were just like kids enjoying every aspect of the holiday. I am sure this is why most of my siblings and I love Christmas so much. I have so many happy Christmas memories but I have one that stands out more than the rest it was one of those defining moments in my life that impacted me forever.

My parents were having a hard time financially. Even though they both worked and we had a part time cleaning job my Dad picked up another part time job working telemarketing. My mom called me and my older two brothers to talk to us and tell us that there was no way they would be able to buy Christmas this year. She said that they would be able to give us each $20.00 but that was about it. I remember having this incredible sad hollow feeling but not for myself for my little sister she was still little, how would she understand. Before I could think both my brothers were telling my Mom not to worry about all of us and to use the money to buy Colle Christmas. I was so excited that they were thinking the same way I was. My Mom was trying not to cry I remember thinking her tears were because she was so proud of the decision we made. But being a Mother I now know that was only a tinny part she really was fighting with her pain that she was not able to provide a normal Christmas. What she did not see at the time was that she was teaching us one of the most powerful lessons we would have.

Christmas was approaching and I think we all knew we would be receiving two letters one from our Dad and one from our Mom. I remember watching my Mom try and prepare each letter for us she was struggling with writing each one. not because of what to say I think it was just so heart breaking for her. I saw her cry a couple of times and try to tell her it would be alright they were just presents and we would survive.

Christmas day arrived and of course we still woke up early. I was excited for my little sister to see what she got. We went down stairs Colle was elated she got the doll she wanted it was fun to watch her. We each received our letters and to our surprise there was also $5.00. I did not read my letters right off I watched my Mom I had never seen her like this before she seemed ashamed. she was trying her hardest to smile and laugh but you could see it in her eyes. When I finally read my letter I learned stuff that I had never been told my Dad told me about the day I was born and how he felt. My mom's letter brought a tear to my eye.

I learned a couple of things that day first I learned what true sacrifice was I have tried since that day to help those in need in any way I can I am sure I could always do better at this but I try. This is something that I hope to teach my children I am not sure if they grasp how deep I feel about this but I do see that they are becoming very thoughtful kids who usually see the needs of others. The second thing I learned was I felt a love I can't explain an eternal joy, a joy I hope to feel often that pure love that comes deep from the heart.

I am thankful for the lesson I learned that Christmas and for the true love of Christmas my parents past on to me. I hope everyone has an opportunity to sit back and reflect on past memories like I have and get excited for the new ones to come.

Happy New Year!!!

Christmas week

We had a Awesome Christmas. Hope you all did to. Here is a look at some of our decorations, friends and family it was a great week.

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Winter Dance Performance

The Girls had their winter dance performance on Dec 22 they did such a good job

This is Charly with her friend Emily. Her Mom and I took dance together when we were growing up. It is fun to see them dance together.

We are very thankful for Chad and Melissa's family and Colle and Easton for coming and supporting us.

Here are the girls in there costumes. Charly has another costume but I forgot to take her picture in it.

Merry Christmas

I was not able to get my Christmas cards made this year and I have decided that you know that is alright, life will go on.

 Here are our Christmas photos. 

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas Season. We are so grateful for this time of year to reflect on what is really important to us. I am very thankful for so many happy reminders around me like the excitement my kids get when it snows or to see there faces when the decorations first go up. I love Christmas and I find every year it actually gets more exciting with my kids. To watch there different stages of the season is so cool. The energy Kendall will bring about something and watch how Marshal will get just as excited for her makes a Mother proud. I love hearing the older ones playing Christmas carols on the piano and reading stories to the younger ones, but what I have enjoyed the most is 

listening to them talk about Jesus and explaining it to each other. I am grateful for

 the examples and testimonies that have touched my family. 

For the first time in a long time I feel at peace with where I am and who I am becoming. I know that with the help of my Savior Jesus Christ that all will be well. Not saying there won't be bumps along the way but I am strong and can deal with them. I am grateful for my parents they taught me well. I appreciate the example they we

re to me I draw from it daily. 
I hope to be able to be this sort of example to my children.

I am very grateful for a hus

band who is always there, Children who try hard to do what is right for wonderful extended family and for incredible friends. most of all I am grateful for my testimony of the gospel I know that Jesus is the Christ and that he suffered for me I am thankful for modern day Prophets to te

ach and guide me and I am thankful for the scriptures to be a constant guide.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas! Enjoy every minute.

Ballet West Nutcracker

I can't believe this adventure is come to a close. 

Four months of rehearsals

Several bottles of hair spray

Four pairs of tights,

Two pairs of ballet slippers, 

Two leotards, One photo shoot, Two hour hair seminar, 8 performances, and countless drives to the capitol theater. 

PRICELESS to watch her on stage fulfilling one of her dreams. She did an unbelievable job. I know I am bias. I have seen her dance so many times that I really did not think I would be caught of guard like I was. She not only danced but she played her part so well stayed in character the whole time and that beautiful smile (I know bias again) never left her face.

Last night she told me that she has never had as much fun as she did and that she was really going to miss all the rehearsals and all her new friends.
The first picture is just before her first performance. We spent countless hours in these curlers. 

These pictures are of opening night. We are very thankful to all the people who took such an interest in coming to she her perform I know that was not an easy task with the price of tickets but it meant the world to both of us.

All her friends in the neighborhood came on her closing night and brought her flowers. (Thanks Alison you rock for doing this.) That made her night to know her friends took such an interest. She has missed a lot of play time and get together's with them to do this. She could not believe that the next day they were all telling everyone at school about it. It made me smile because whether we realize it or not we all want to feel special. I think this was a new emotion for Charly.

Marshal had a choir concert, he would go another night so we brought Mckenna. Charly loved that she came.

These are some of the party girls she performed with.

Charly and her friends.

Of course we could not have done this with out Aunt Colle she helped with the other kids when I was in a bind and needed to be in SLC. Thanks Colle we love you and glad you were there to see her dance.

Charly in her costume. She got the coveted cupcake costume. When you twirl instead of going straight out like everyone else's it made a cup cake shape. (funny I know)

Of course the day of the photo shoot it was hot and humid and we had to wait for our pictures so by the time it was her turn her hair was flat. After several different products we found one that worked magic.

Charly we are very proud of you and loved watching you experience t

his. The Nutcracker will never be the same I hope no matter how many times I see it that I will remember your face up there.

I love you

MOM

Holiday activities

We have been really busy doing all kinds of fun things the past couple of weeks. The first photos are at the Peterson Christmas party. The kids love to participate in the nativity.

We took the kids bowling the day after thanksgiving Kendall and Noelle had never been. They now don't stop bugging there Dad to take them again. 

We went to a Christmas Luau and the kids loved it. It was a fun twist on a ward Christmas party.

Noelle was invited to a special Christmas party where she got to read a book with Santa and she was spoiled with all kinds of gifts. I am thankful for an awesome sch

ool teacher who goes above and beyond to help her students and to make life fun.

Marshal and Charly also had there Christmas piano recital. They both have improved so much over the last few months. I love that they can play Christmas carols on for

 me.

Chuck and I have enjoyed a couple of parties with some of our friends. It has been nice to get out and celebrate the season with good friends. I guess in a weird way I love how busy this month can be.  It is worth the time and effort to enjoy each others company.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHUCK!!!

Today is Chucks birthday and I just want to let everyone know what a wonderful guy he is. I am so blessed to have him as my partner. He is a wonderful father and friend I love you Babe and hope you have a great day. Imagine the montage with the song I want to grow old with you by westlife I could not get it to work so i had to go with my second choice. wink!

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WHY?

It is late and everyone is asleep and I can not turn my mind off so I am hopping if I actually put down what I have been thinking and feeling out in the universe I might be able to breath again. This last week I was not feeling well, as I layed in my bed feeling miserable I looked at the side of my bed and saw a book that I have been putting of reading for years and thought I would give it a try. ( Don't worry Colle I really am not turning into one of them.) The more I read the more I could not put it down and not because of the book I just loved that it occupied my mind. I finished the first book in a day and started the second the next day the more I read the more I related to this girls life in such a weird way that it made me finally deal with what I have been putting off for years. I have been slowly letting it out since May but the unbelievable pain I get every time I let a little out makes me put my defenses up.

I can not believe it took me three years to really deal with my Moms death. The first several months after her death I concentrated on everyone around me making sure I could do whatever to make it easier for them that I rarely thought about it myself. Of course I had days where I cried and missed her but I never let it get the better of me. Than I received a bright light something to hold on to an incredible love I needed to occupied my life with. I was called to be the young women's president. I dove into my calling and gave it everything I had it occupied me. I felt an unbelievable love and pull to these girls I knew it was where I needed to be not for just me but for them I could see what girls needed me. I knew how to reach them and to teach them. I loved it. Then the dreaded day came, I was released at first I thought the pain was just that I had to let them go and let their new leaders enjoy. Which was partially true. But the real reality slowly was hitting every day I had more time on my hands my brain had more time to think and wander. I started doing my crafts again, trying to occupied any thought I could. I found when I was feeling the worst there was always someone that happened to help. Chuck and I discussed it often (he has been awesome trying to help me through this.) he noticed how much spending time with my friends or talking with my siblings helped he encouraged me to go to more things with my friends and he always new if I had talked to my brother Brandon or if I had been with my sis because I would feel better. We never missed a date night I was feeling better but I knew I still had not really dealt with it.

Then Saturday as I was driving to a family Christmas party I could not take it any more I cranked the radio so my girls would not know anything was going on and I tried to hold it together. The closer I got the more it hurt. I use to feel like I was heading home when I was driving to Bountiful but now it felt like the last place I want to go. I drove into the parking lot sent my kids in and told them I would be in in a minute. I had to pull myself together but how I knew when I walked in the door my Mom would not be there. She would not be in the kitchen helping her sisters, she would not be giving her grand kids a hug she was gone. How was I going to pretend I was alright. It felt like she had just died the day before. I could see myself sitting by her holding her hand watching her take her last breathe. I walked in and found Chuck he knew right away that something was wrong he put his arm around me and knew not to ask or I would start crying again. They started to say the prayer and I could not contain my emotions so I headed out of the room down the hall where no one could hear me. I couldn't stop the tears and the pain was unbelievable. With in seconds my sister was there she said she knew something was wrong for the first time I was honest with her. I know its hard for her to deal with me when I am like this so I usually hide the pain the best I can. I am sure she was very relieved that one of our Aunts knew something was off and followed her. It felt good to have my Aunt put her arms around me I did not feel so alone. I don't know how long I sat there crying but it felt good to let it out.

Why? why is this so hard. I am old enough to be able to deal with this why have I ignored it for so long. I know i have more to work through but it feels good to really acknowledge what I am feeling. I talked with my dad about it today and he made me feel better I think the key is to stop keeping it inside. I know life is not fair and I have never expected it to be I know that my Mom is in a greater place but that does not stop me from missing her. I now just have to learn how to deal with my grieving and move on. I know I am a very blessed person I have a unbelievable husband who loves me more than life itself and four incredible kids who bring me much joy. I have siblings and extended family who are there for me I just need to learn to let them. I am grateful for my friends who always make me laugh and make me feel needed in the world.

I guess its time to stop wondering why and start dealing with it!